Taking Control as Best We Can 

By Thomas Cardwell, PhD, Bryan Counseling Center

Oftentimes, we feel like we have no control over our lives. Many things can make us feel this way: growing up in difficult circumstances, such as having little money, living in an unsafe neighborhood or home environment, or experiencing racism or discrimination. Maybe we continually get passed over for a promotion, or don’t get the test grade we thought we deserved. The list is endless.

It’s important, though, to not acquire a state of mind called “learned helplessness”. This is when we stop trying and give up. And when we get to a point where we are telling ourselves that nothing will ever work out for us, we are wading into troubled waters. We may survive physically but will not function optimally. 

We may not care about eating well or studying or working to live our best lives. We can become cynical and tired. We seek only short-term gratification such as eating loads of unhealthy fast food or abusing alcohol. We might even abuse other people because we don’t expect kindness and tend to assume ill intent.

It is hard not to become jaded when it seems that no one believes in you, and you are frequently dismissed or taken advantage of. 

Here’s How to Take Back Control 

• If you have people who believe in you, spend more time with them. We all need validation. Good friends are invaluable for support and can even provide kind feedback that might be hard to accept from anyone else.
• Consider seeing a mental health therapist. Mental health professionals are unbiased because they know nothing about you and want you to thrive. They work for you. They can help you make good decisions that may improve your life in many ways. You have to do the work of making life changes but it’s easier to do when you know you’ve put thought into a decision and gotten good feedback. Therapy often has a lasting positive impact on people. People gain self-confidence, trust their own decision making and have better follow through in regard to goals such as fitness, education or finding meaningful work.  
• Find ways to engage with people. Volunteer work that is meaningful to you is one way to engage. Taking a class at a community college in something interesting to you can be stimulating and a way to meet people. 
• Exercising is one of the best ways to tackle sadness, frustration and depression. It can be something as simple as walking or bike riding, but do it regularly and ideally for 30 minutes or more. If you can manage an activity like this daily even better, but try for at least five days a week. Joining with others at a gym to exercise can be fun. Many gyms and fitness facilities offer classes in dance or aerobics. You might enjoy being part of a regular exercise group. Note: If you have health concerns, always clear this with your health care provider first.

Balance Those Expectations

Psychologist Julian Rotter developed a concept called “locus of control”. It is basically how we perceive the underlying causes of events in our lives. Either we believe we can control our destiny, or we feel that external forces are against us and that we must accept our fate.   

His research suggests that we need a balance: we can influence some aspects of our lives but there are still things we cannot control. The best we can do is make good, healthy choices for ourselves with the knowledge that some things won't always work out as we have hoped or planned. 

If you think you would benefit from counseling or are feeling sadness or depression, please reach out to Bryan Counseling Center at 402-481-5991. You can also take a free, confidential, mental health screening here.